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Nov. 19th, 2004 09:36 pmIt smells like smoke and body heat in here, but it's a good thing. This is home for now. I don't give a shit if I never go back to the Bebop: I don't think I ever had this much fun before. I don't think I ever knew what it meant to enjoy things.
That's pretty fucked up, isn't it. I don't care, I don't care. I only care about now.
I sometimes think about life and its lessons. I think about how all of life is like a dream. I think probably when we die we know that. But I think like with most dreams, you have to learn to let them unfold without forcing the outcome. Like we could anyhow. I can't say I don't remember Julia because I do: she mattered to me. She mattered a lot, and I loved her. And I thought she was it, the love of my life.
I thought Vicious was my best friend too, and he wanted me dead.
Julia loved him first. I was second.
When I give myself the luxury of time for introspection, I can see a couple flaws with the situation. Some are obvious and some are subtle but it always, always comes back to this: if you really love somebody, you don't leave them like she left me. Even if it meant we were both going to die. We would have died together, and that would have been all right. It would have been fine. It would have proved something.
Not that it matters now. I'm not some terminal romantic who only lives for hearts and flowers and coy looks across a crowded room; I never had that luxury.
This place slows me down. It makes me look at things differently. It makes me appreciate things differently. Maybe that's the lesson I have to learn here: I don't know. I guess I won't know till I learn it.
Beth.
She's like a rainbow in my hand. It's almost like I don't believe she's there, it's too... too nice. I'm not a nice person, not always, not even usually.
She could turn me into one, though. Real easily. Wonder how long that would take.
That's pretty fucked up, isn't it. I don't care, I don't care. I only care about now.
I sometimes think about life and its lessons. I think about how all of life is like a dream. I think probably when we die we know that. But I think like with most dreams, you have to learn to let them unfold without forcing the outcome. Like we could anyhow. I can't say I don't remember Julia because I do: she mattered to me. She mattered a lot, and I loved her. And I thought she was it, the love of my life.
I thought Vicious was my best friend too, and he wanted me dead.
Julia loved him first. I was second.
When I give myself the luxury of time for introspection, I can see a couple flaws with the situation. Some are obvious and some are subtle but it always, always comes back to this: if you really love somebody, you don't leave them like she left me. Even if it meant we were both going to die. We would have died together, and that would have been all right. It would have been fine. It would have proved something.
Not that it matters now. I'm not some terminal romantic who only lives for hearts and flowers and coy looks across a crowded room; I never had that luxury.
This place slows me down. It makes me look at things differently. It makes me appreciate things differently. Maybe that's the lesson I have to learn here: I don't know. I guess I won't know till I learn it.
Beth.
She's like a rainbow in my hand. It's almost like I don't believe she's there, it's too... too nice. I'm not a nice person, not always, not even usually.
She could turn me into one, though. Real easily. Wonder how long that would take.
