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Nov. 4th, 2004 03:16 pmMy dreams aren't usually fantastical or inventive. Since arriving here, they've been pretty damn mundane: I think it's where I get to play out the everyday and the boring.
Or to relive the past.
Last night I dreamed of dying, but it wasn't a dream. It was a replaying, a retelling, from the time I reunited with Julia to finding Annie and watching helpless as she died to watching helpless as Julia got shot and fell.
It took forever, that fall. Forever. It was like the slowest slow motion, and even on a day when I saw every last thing in slow motion, this was slower. I saw the pain glinting in her eyes, then going out. I saw the tiny line of blood escape her lips. I heard her murmur to me, and I saw the light leave her for good.
In the dream, it took twice as long. In the dream, I believed I could have stopped it.
In reality, I didn't and I couldn't.
In the dream, I relived goodbyes: to Faye, to Jet, to the ship. In the dream, I was there and I watched and part of me knows even in my subconscious how stupid it was to take on Vicious alone. I couldn't have done it without Shin and he paid, too. In the dream I watched him die. I watched all his blood seep out of his body and his face go grey just like I did with Annie. With Julia.
The only thing different about the dream from reality was that in the dream when I killed Vicious he turned into a bird and flew away. I watched, and he circled and then came back and cawed like he was jubilant over the whole thing, then disappeared into the sky like I'd seen him do so many times in his ship: away, out of reach, no retribution, no payback, no revenge. Just away.
They say you can't die in your own dreams. I can. I die in them every chance I get. It's almost a blessing, a relief. That feeling of free.
And then this morning I woke up and there was Beth and for a moment I wanted to apologize to her for being dead, for letting Vicious kill me. Until I realized I was there too, and even though I still felt like I was somewhere else where there's no pain and no murder and no harm and no anger, I slowly came back and thought something I never thought I'd think again: this is where I want to be. This is exactly the right place, and Beth is exactly perfect. She might be the right person: maybe Julia never was.
I kind of don't believe in one true love and one true love only. I think we're all victims of circumstance and I think our hearts take advantage of us.
Or to relive the past.
Last night I dreamed of dying, but it wasn't a dream. It was a replaying, a retelling, from the time I reunited with Julia to finding Annie and watching helpless as she died to watching helpless as Julia got shot and fell.
It took forever, that fall. Forever. It was like the slowest slow motion, and even on a day when I saw every last thing in slow motion, this was slower. I saw the pain glinting in her eyes, then going out. I saw the tiny line of blood escape her lips. I heard her murmur to me, and I saw the light leave her for good.
In the dream, it took twice as long. In the dream, I believed I could have stopped it.
In reality, I didn't and I couldn't.
In the dream, I relived goodbyes: to Faye, to Jet, to the ship. In the dream, I was there and I watched and part of me knows even in my subconscious how stupid it was to take on Vicious alone. I couldn't have done it without Shin and he paid, too. In the dream I watched him die. I watched all his blood seep out of his body and his face go grey just like I did with Annie. With Julia.
The only thing different about the dream from reality was that in the dream when I killed Vicious he turned into a bird and flew away. I watched, and he circled and then came back and cawed like he was jubilant over the whole thing, then disappeared into the sky like I'd seen him do so many times in his ship: away, out of reach, no retribution, no payback, no revenge. Just away.
They say you can't die in your own dreams. I can. I die in them every chance I get. It's almost a blessing, a relief. That feeling of free.
And then this morning I woke up and there was Beth and for a moment I wanted to apologize to her for being dead, for letting Vicious kill me. Until I realized I was there too, and even though I still felt like I was somewhere else where there's no pain and no murder and no harm and no anger, I slowly came back and thought something I never thought I'd think again: this is where I want to be. This is exactly the right place, and Beth is exactly perfect. She might be the right person: maybe Julia never was.
I kind of don't believe in one true love and one true love only. I think we're all victims of circumstance and I think our hearts take advantage of us.
