(no subject)

If I think about this as a second chance, what does that mean?

If I died but now I'm here, what does that mean?

Was it me who fucked up on things last time, or was it Julia? or was it Vicious? or was it circumstance?

I'm not good at this shit, I know that much. Maybe I can still get better at it; maybe I can't. I won't know till I know.

I know I don't like it when Beth is up there with Todd. But here's the question: what right do I have to not like it?

Fuck. I don't know.

(I'm leaving the door open for her anyhow.)

(no subject)

It's the best feeling to wake up in the morning, in this room, in this bed, with Beth by his side. For a few minutes he just lies there with his eyes closed, wondering why he gets to be so lucky now. After all the other shit in his life, why now?

But he doesn't think about it for too long. Eyes still closed, he goes by feel alone: his hand traces down the side of her body where she lies, still asleep, facing him. Her legs are tucked into a curl and one arm's cushioning her head and the other is tight to her chest: protective, holding herself safe. He feels all this with his eyes closed.

He'd like to make this room more his... more theirs. He's not sure how to do it and he remembers at first when he got Room 8 he never expected to stay in it. But it's home for now, and in some ways it's the closest thing he's ever had to a good home. Even though it's just a room sitting over a bar at the end of the universe -- who gives a shit where it is.

It's in his heart.

Spike opens his eyes and watches Beth sleep so peacefully. His heart skips a little beat when she smiles, maybe in a dream or maybe just reflexively.