He's pretty sure what she's saying is all good, but still, he stops and feels his jaw tighten and his eyes threaten to fill again; he closes them.
And rests his hand over hers on his chest.
And breathes.
It's that if we still get to be here when she's old enough to put thoughts into words thing that gives him pause; it preys on every single damn fear he's got.
His hand tightens over hers.
"I want to tell you something, Beth." His other hand wraps around the back of her neck; he leans forward to kiss her cheek. "More than one thing. First, I don't want to lie to little Beth. Not about me, not about you, not about Yorick, not about circumstances. I don't want to pretend to be what I'm not." Hell, she was adopted; she knows it doesn't matter if the guy who raised her was biologically related. He's still her father... or was before the plague but that's a whole different thing and they don't have to talk about it now. "Second, I love the hell out of you. That should have been first. I love you so damn much that I don't know what to do with it sometimes. When you were gone, I could hardly stand it. The same stubborn pain in the ass side of me that you saw a minute ago kept telling me you weren't coming back. And it wasn't because I didn't have faith in you, Slim; I did and I do. It's just that I'm still trying to learn a few new tricks. I've... really never had what you could call a healthy relationship with a woman, or even a good one. The only other woman I ever loved anywhere near as much as I love you promised she'd join me and instead, she ran away. That's what I have to go on, and I know you're not Julia and I know this is different. But when you disappeared this summer, I figured that was it. I figured history was repeating itself. I figured... well, shit, must just be my fate. I might have thought I could have it different, but if I cheated death to get here the first time, maybe that was the payback for it."
He shakes his head slowly. "And you were gone, and Junior was gone, and I was on Mars, and it was all I could do to just keep walking, just keep going. To get back here -- to get back to you -- that was all I cared about. It kind of sucked to have to live through all that shit again but I kept telling myself it was worth it just to see you one more time. Just one more time, Beth."
Fuck.
"I'm no good at self-disclosure. Before you, I never bothered. Not out of some stupid self-pity thinking oh, no one understands me, why should I explain myself but more out of simple self-preservation. The less people know, the less they can hurt you, right?"
He doesn't talk like this often, but when he does, he wants to get all his thoughts out. He doesn't want to have to stop short, and so he continues. "I know you didn't want to leave. I know that. Somewhere in this thick skull of mine, that's posted on the main bulletin board. But there's this other piece of me that goes well, Julia chose to leave and I know the situations are completely different. I know you're not her -- I know it -- that fucking impudent son of a bitch part of me likes to keep me guessing. You think I don't give a damn when I say shit like whatever happens happens? That's all self-protection, Beth. I can't even start to put into words how much I love you and how much I need you. I want that fantasy house on Venus with you and Junior. Shit, Slim, I'm no starry-eyed idealist; I know that's a hell of a long shot. But fuck yeah, I want it... and I've never wanted that with anyone else."
Shit.
His eyes fill, stinging; he squeezes them shut tight, breathing her in.
"I love you. I love her. You two are the most amazing things ever to happen to me."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-10-01 06:03 am (UTC)He's pretty sure what she's saying is all good, but still, he stops and feels his jaw tighten and his eyes threaten to fill again; he closes them.
And rests his hand over hers on his chest.
And breathes.
It's that if we still get to be here when she's old enough to put thoughts into words thing that gives him pause; it preys on every single damn fear he's got.
His hand tightens over hers.
"I want to tell you something, Beth." His other hand wraps around the back of her neck; he leans forward to kiss her cheek. "More than one thing. First, I don't want to lie to little Beth. Not about me, not about you, not about Yorick, not about circumstances. I don't want to pretend to be what I'm not." Hell, she was adopted; she knows it doesn't matter if the guy who raised her was biologically related. He's still her father... or was before the plague but that's a whole different thing and they don't have to talk about it now. "Second, I love the hell out of you. That should have been first. I love you so damn much that I don't know what to do with it sometimes. When you were gone, I could hardly stand it. The same stubborn pain in the ass side of me that you saw a minute ago kept telling me you weren't coming back. And it wasn't because I didn't have faith in you, Slim; I did and I do. It's just that I'm still trying to learn a few new tricks. I've... really never had what you could call a healthy relationship with a woman, or even a good one. The only other woman I ever loved anywhere near as much as I love you promised she'd join me and instead, she ran away. That's what I have to go on, and I know you're not Julia and I know this is different. But when you disappeared this summer, I figured that was it. I figured history was repeating itself. I figured... well, shit, must just be my fate. I might have thought I could have it different, but if I cheated death to get here the first time, maybe that was the payback for it."
He shakes his head slowly. "And you were gone, and Junior was gone, and I was on Mars, and it was all I could do to just keep walking, just keep going. To get back here -- to get back to you -- that was all I cared about. It kind of sucked to have to live through all that shit again but I kept telling myself it was worth it just to see you one more time. Just one more time, Beth."
Fuck.
"I'm no good at self-disclosure. Before you, I never bothered. Not out of some stupid self-pity thinking oh, no one understands me, why should I explain myself but more out of simple self-preservation. The less people know, the less they can hurt you, right?"
He doesn't talk like this often, but when he does, he wants to get all his thoughts out. He doesn't want to have to stop short, and so he continues. "I know you didn't want to leave. I know that. Somewhere in this thick skull of mine, that's posted on the main bulletin board. But there's this other piece of me that goes well, Julia chose to leave and I know the situations are completely different. I know you're not her -- I know it -- that fucking impudent son of a bitch part of me likes to keep me guessing. You think I don't give a damn when I say shit like whatever happens happens? That's all self-protection, Beth. I can't even start to put into words how much I love you and how much I need you. I want that fantasy house on Venus with you and Junior. Shit, Slim, I'm no starry-eyed idealist; I know that's a hell of a long shot. But fuck yeah, I want it... and I've never wanted that with anyone else."
Shit.
His eyes fill, stinging; he squeezes them shut tight, breathing her in.
"I love you. I love her. You two are the most amazing things ever to happen to me."