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Sep. 27th, 2006 08:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
not_that_spikeShe's too little for flying lessons, but that doesn't mean he can't pretend they're flying. Hell, she's only a week old; she can't sit up by herself or any of that shit. Instead, he's got her tucked into the crook of his left arm and with his right, he's mock-flying the Swordfish.
"See, Junior, here's how it works. You turn the key and the ship hums into action. Then you check the fuel gauge, make sure the weapons systems are a go, and turn to the universe's most beautiful pilot, who just happens to be sitting right next to you." He turns to his right and plants a kiss on Beth's lips. "Then, you radio in -- radio's up here -- and ask Mom, I mean, Jet, to open the hatch and cut the gravitational system so you can fly her out into deep space." With that, he points up to the ceiling where the stars are faintly visible, even though it's light inside the room.
"And that's all there is to it."
Not really, but that's all there is to this little demonstration, anyhow. "Now, in the next lesson I'll teach you how to fuel up your spaceship. But in the meantime, we've got this." Behind them on the bed, the plush spacecraft they got on Europa sits waiting its turn patiently; he holds it up to Beth Junior who's still too young to play with it, but that doesn't stop him. "Beth, Swordfish. Swordfish, Beth Junior." He watches her, entranced, and then a huge smile breaks over his face. Turning to Beth, his eyes light up. "Hey. I think she smiled at me."
The mere concept pretty much melts his heart.
"See, Junior, here's how it works. You turn the key and the ship hums into action. Then you check the fuel gauge, make sure the weapons systems are a go, and turn to the universe's most beautiful pilot, who just happens to be sitting right next to you." He turns to his right and plants a kiss on Beth's lips. "Then, you radio in -- radio's up here -- and ask Mom, I mean, Jet, to open the hatch and cut the gravitational system so you can fly her out into deep space." With that, he points up to the ceiling where the stars are faintly visible, even though it's light inside the room.
"And that's all there is to it."
Not really, but that's all there is to this little demonstration, anyhow. "Now, in the next lesson I'll teach you how to fuel up your spaceship. But in the meantime, we've got this." Behind them on the bed, the plush spacecraft they got on Europa sits waiting its turn patiently; he holds it up to Beth Junior who's still too young to play with it, but that doesn't stop him. "Beth, Swordfish. Swordfish, Beth Junior." He watches her, entranced, and then a huge smile breaks over his face. Turning to Beth, his eyes light up. "Hey. I think she smiled at me."
The mere concept pretty much melts his heart.
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Date: 2006-09-30 06:32 am (UTC)She can make it to the next part of what he said as soon as she moves past this one. Jabbing his collarbone with her finger, she looks a little more fierce than she means to at first.
"I love the fuck out of you, and maybe I don't say it as often as I should, but I think it should be a pretty well-known fact anyway." That stubbornly wrinkled part of her forehead smoothes out. "And speaking as little Beth's representative--" There's a flicker of a smile for a moment. "--I think it's safe for me to say she probably thinks you're the best thing since naptime."
Now her hand moves to just rest against his chest.
"I'm sorry it's an awkward situation, but I kind of see hey, our daughter's doing great as black and ask Beth; she's not my kid as white when a case like that really calls for something nice and gray."
She meets his eyes, and there's this obstinate refusal to look away. "What I'd like, eventually, is to be as honest as possible with her about Yorick and about you. I'm not forcing her to call anyone daddy. If we still get to be here when she's old enough to put thoughts into words and she wants to call you that, I'll be glad and so goddamn proud and think my daughter's the smartest little chick in the universe."
And it is an awkward situation, and not just for him. She's been pregnant since Yorick, but she managed to get nearly two years of falling for Spike in before the baby came around.
"I'm fucking thrilled that you want her to know you love her and are proud of her and that she belongs, and maybe it's some sort of nesting instinct but you have no idea how seductive all of this is, especially now, this whole cozy little you-and-me-and-baby-makes-three deal. I want you with us. I get this warm content feeling in the pit of my stomach just watching you with her."
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Date: 2006-10-01 06:03 am (UTC)He's pretty sure what she's saying is all good, but still, he stops and feels his jaw tighten and his eyes threaten to fill again; he closes them.
And rests his hand over hers on his chest.
And breathes.
It's that if we still get to be here when she's old enough to put thoughts into words thing that gives him pause; it preys on every single damn fear he's got.
His hand tightens over hers.
"I want to tell you something, Beth." His other hand wraps around the back of her neck; he leans forward to kiss her cheek. "More than one thing. First, I don't want to lie to little Beth. Not about me, not about you, not about Yorick, not about circumstances. I don't want to pretend to be what I'm not." Hell, she was adopted; she knows it doesn't matter if the guy who raised her was biologically related. He's still her father... or was before the plague but that's a whole different thing and they don't have to talk about it now. "Second, I love the hell out of you. That should have been first. I love you so damn much that I don't know what to do with it sometimes. When you were gone, I could hardly stand it. The same stubborn pain in the ass side of me that you saw a minute ago kept telling me you weren't coming back. And it wasn't because I didn't have faith in you, Slim; I did and I do. It's just that I'm still trying to learn a few new tricks. I've... really never had what you could call a healthy relationship with a woman, or even a good one. The only other woman I ever loved anywhere near as much as I love you promised she'd join me and instead, she ran away. That's what I have to go on, and I know you're not Julia and I know this is different. But when you disappeared this summer, I figured that was it. I figured history was repeating itself. I figured... well, shit, must just be my fate. I might have thought I could have it different, but if I cheated death to get here the first time, maybe that was the payback for it."
He shakes his head slowly. "And you were gone, and Junior was gone, and I was on Mars, and it was all I could do to just keep walking, just keep going. To get back here -- to get back to you -- that was all I cared about. It kind of sucked to have to live through all that shit again but I kept telling myself it was worth it just to see you one more time. Just one more time, Beth."
Fuck.
"I'm no good at self-disclosure. Before you, I never bothered. Not out of some stupid self-pity thinking oh, no one understands me, why should I explain myself but more out of simple self-preservation. The less people know, the less they can hurt you, right?"
He doesn't talk like this often, but when he does, he wants to get all his thoughts out. He doesn't want to have to stop short, and so he continues. "I know you didn't want to leave. I know that. Somewhere in this thick skull of mine, that's posted on the main bulletin board. But there's this other piece of me that goes well, Julia chose to leave and I know the situations are completely different. I know you're not her -- I know it -- that fucking impudent son of a bitch part of me likes to keep me guessing. You think I don't give a damn when I say shit like whatever happens happens? That's all self-protection, Beth. I can't even start to put into words how much I love you and how much I need you. I want that fantasy house on Venus with you and Junior. Shit, Slim, I'm no starry-eyed idealist; I know that's a hell of a long shot. But fuck yeah, I want it... and I've never wanted that with anyone else."
Shit.
His eyes fill, stinging; he squeezes them shut tight, breathing her in.
"I love you. I love her. You two are the most amazing things ever to happen to me."
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Date: 2006-10-01 06:37 am (UTC)"One of my biggest fears is to have to leave here without a choice in the matter, just like last time. And now that Hero's gone, it's an even bigger worry. I'd be all alone with the baby, in an unfamiliar place and as unprepared as last time."
Her two biggest fears are for something bad to happen to the baby or to Spike, and as far as she's concerned, that's definitely worth counting as something bad happening to the baby. It's not herself she's worried about; she learned how to live on her own and make a church a home. It's all for the baby. She wouldn't be able to leave Beth alone, and she wouldn't be able to hide her well.
"I have no idea what Julia was like and I can't be very reassuring about that, but for one thing, I can promise you I love you."
She can't help it if it feels worth repeating right now, worth driving home, and her arms curl around his neck.
"And I can promise that I'll never just leave without a word if I have any fucking choice at all in the matter."
It's not exactly reassuring, she guesses, but she has to be honest with him at this point. "I can't say I don't feel guilty about being here, like there's no ugly little obligation I feel about the situation at home. That there's never any tiny voice nagging in the back of my mind, saying that I've got lives on my conscience and shouldn't I want to try to help if I can?" She barely shrugs. "Like if I have to go back eventually I better not sit around and let other people do all the work to try to save mankind, even if I'm just the chick the last man happened to get pregnant."
There's a small shake of her head. "And I'm happy with you, and I don't want to do anything that puts that in jeopardy. Sometimes, since I've gotten back, I feel like just being here is uncertain enough as it is."
Kind of like right after what happened with Joe, but with triple the effectiveness since it happened to her personally.
Even though she made it back.
"So let's take advantage of what we've got here and not worry about titles or anything, okay?" She plants a kiss to his jaw, then his lips. "I'm Beth and you're Spike and she's little Beth, and we're all disgustingly intoxicated with each other and wouldn't have it any other goddamn way."
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Date: 2006-10-01 09:27 am (UTC)Right now, the kiss she gives him is all those things at once: all of them. The timing on it is so good, in fact, that when she's done talking he dips back in for one more, thinking one from you, one from me. That's good. That's fair.
He won't tell her she shouldn't feel guilty; that'll only make her feel worse and damn if that's not the last thing he wants her to feel. Time is precious; time with Beth is doubly so.
Pulling back, he reaches forward, running his fingertip down her nose, letting it settle on her lips. He loves her lips, always has. He likes the way they feel and the way they look and the way they taste -- especially the way they taste -- but right now, right this minute, they're kind of this direct path to her heart. And right now, right this minute, he's kind of in love not just with her but with everything he's heard her say since he shut up enough to give her a chance to talk.
Finally, he moves his finger away from her lips and takes her hands in his. "Well, fuck, Slim." When he looks back up to her face, he gives her one of those small private smiles she's told him she loves. "I adore the hell out of you." To say thanks for listening, thanks for letting me get it all out of my system seems a little bit redundant; she knows how appreciated she is.
And holding hands is all well and good, but it's not enough; he wraps his arms around her and pulls her just that much closer to him and kisses her again, because she's there and because he can and because, right now, right this minute, he's all talked out except for one thing.
"And yeah... I'm okay. I'm okay, and I love you."
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Date: 2006-10-01 06:55 pm (UTC)"Glad we're on the same page, bounty hunter."
Her body just kind of leans against his, rests against him, and it sure is a hell of a lot easier to do that without the big pregnant belly.
"Now what do you say we have something to eat?" Her smile's all for him, every bit of it. She didn't think she was feeling tense before, but she honestly feels a little better now than before. "I'll even go down and get it for us myself this time."
She doesn't mind. In fact, she wants to. Usually Spike's done it, and really, even doing something as simple as that'll make her feel good.
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Date: 2006-10-01 07:09 pm (UTC)"Yeah, that sounds good. In just a minute." There's something he has to do first, and it mostly involves just holding her for a little while longer. It's not exactly like some weight got lifted or that they resolved anything, but sometimes, just talking is enough of a thing and sometimes, just holding her is enough of a thing. This time he reaches up and tucks the hair back behind her ears on both sides and rests the palms of his hands -- the hands that know how to fight and how to shoot a gun and how to kill equally as well as they know how to comfort and hold a baby -- against her cheeks. His thumbs trace the edges of her scar and it's beautiful, she's beautiful, she's everything in this moment.
And then his eyes soften and he gives her a genuine smile.
"Yeah." His lips brush across hers so very lightly. "Yeah, that's a great idea. I'm starving. I'll stay here with the tiny sleeping princess, make sure no big bad wolves try to climb in the window."
The only thing he can't do for Beth Junior is feed her, but if he really is her favorite thing since naptime, he'll find a way to distract her if that's what needs doing.
Finally, he pulls away just enough. "Thanks."
And then because he's a guy, his hands trail down her body to settle on her chest. "And I still think listing them separately wasn't cheating."
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Date: 2006-10-01 07:19 pm (UTC)"You can't be serious. It was definitely cheating."
She's sure this is one thing they'll never agree on. But her hands cover his, and if she really minds that he cheated like that, you can hardly tell it.
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Date: 2006-10-01 07:39 pm (UTC)"Love you, Slim. We'll be waiting for you when you get back." Like a solitary hawk surveying his chosen field, he watches as she moves about the room: putting on shoes, checking on Beth Junior, pressing a kiss to her sleeping forehead.
(Click.)
When she walks through the door, the shape of her body and the way she moves reminds him of poetry.